tonight’s jumbled thoughts:
this little girl had no idea what was coming her way. she didn’t know what she would see. she didn’t know what she would have to do. she didn’t know what she would feel one day.
I find myself asking how I would have lived if I had always known what was coming. Would I have prepared for the day that would change my life forever? Would I have been less scared? Would I have had different relationships with people? Would I have worried about the small stuff as much?
I don’t think I’ll ever stop asking what would have been different, despite knowing there’s no realistic answer. I know that I am more than the trauma I have experienced, but that is a big part of me.
I don’t know what’s coming my way. I don’t know what I’ll see or do or feel. What I do know, though, is that I will make it. I know I can see and do hard things and be okay. I know that grief sucks and trauma does, too. I know that I take things for granted. I know that the little things are the big things. I know that everyone is fighting a battle that others can’t see. I know that me sharing these things I write in my notes on my phone helps people sometimes. I know that people don’t know what to say to me. I know that people eventually forget about your loss. I know that people I meet don’t know my story. I know that I will keep talking about ptsd and grief because hiding behind it is harder. I know more than I don’t.
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