(November 09, 2020)
I honestly wonder what I would’ve done if I knew at the moment this picture was taken that I had less than a month left with you. Probably nothing different. I miss my best buddy a whole lot and knowing that this Christmas somehow makes the 3rd one without you blows my mind and breaks my heart. Home isn’t home without you. It’s empty even when everyone else is there. I lost a whole lot the day I lost you but our friendship is probably the hardest to be without. You weren’t one of those super structured parents. You did your own thing and treated us like people not just kids. People say I’m strong to be here without you but they don’t know what it’s like. I don’t feel strong most of the time. I feel like I’m kinda empty and just floating around day by day. I know deep down that you watch over me but sometimes that’s honestly not enough to make me feel better. Some days I don’t want to get up because I realize I’ll never hear your voice say my future kids’ names or meet them or see me graduate or get married or fall in love at all. Instead, I have to acknowledge the absence and (subconsciously) compensate for others to feel better. People say I’m strong for what I did, too. I feel anything but strong for that, but that’s okay. I’ve used the experience to help people—I hope. I have a hard time believing “everything happens for a reason” but I’m learning to live more with the saying “shit happens.” I love and miss you endlessly, buddy.
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