Sympathy sucks. Empathy helps. Sympathy is someone feeling for you. Empathy is someone feeling with you. When you’ve been through a bad situation—regardless of what it may be—the last thing you want is a pity. When everything in your life has changed, you don’t need the way people look at you to change, too.
As for me, I knew people didn’t know what to say to me. They still don’t. And I get it. I wouldn’t know what to say either. So instead of (as a grown adult) saying “my dad just died I know exactly what you’re going through” or “yea it’s like when my parents got divorced” I desperately wanted people to tell me they didn’t get it. I didn’t want them to feel how I did. I still don’t. I didn’t want people to tell me they felt as bad as I did because it didn’t look like they did; and, if they felt the same as me and seemed fine, why didn’t I?
When someone tells you that they understand completely what you’re going through, it can be infuriating. No one understands what I have gone through just as I don’t understand what others have gone through. This comes from a place of comfort, I think. If we can find something in ourselves that relates to someone else’s struggle, we can validate ourselves in a way. We all do it—just because I’ve been on the receiving end of sympathy doesn’t mean I’m immune to showing it to others occasionally. With that said, I try hard not to project this onto people. When you’re down, you don’t need others to belittle that by comparing struggles. It’s not a competition and why should we make it one? Nobody likes to grieve or go through hard things. Don’t try to make someone feel like their struggle isn’t valid. That hurts both of you.
Instead of sympathy, may I suggest we try empathy? Empathy is wanting to connect rather than compare. Empathy is saying you don’t understand, but you want to stand together. Empathy is sitting next to someone when they cry because you know they don’t want a hug. Empathy is telling someone at the funeral that you can listen to Broadway tunes together anytime because you know they’re hearing the same sympathies from everyone else. Empathy is listening to all the stories about your roommate’s dad when you’re trying to do homework. Empathy is sending your sympathy card in a colorful envelope (which I have just now decided to trademark as empathy cards instead lol). Empathy is writing a memory in that card. Empathy is messaging me to check on me beyond the standard granted one-week grieving period. Empathy is letting me eat lunch in your classroom so I don’t have to get those looks of pity in the cafeteria. Empathy is poking fun at me and not treating me differently. Empathy is letting someone keep playing in a basketball game when they’re crying because you know they need that tough love. Empathy is not having to fill all the silences. Empathy is showing up. Empathy is better. Empathy helps.
A few notes to end on (again my opinion only)
If someone messaged me privately, they did it for me. If they posted a generic message on social media, they did it for them.
If someone wrote in their card, it was for me. If they signed their name hurriedly, it was for them.
As twisted as it sounds, sympathy is a way to look good—you do your part for the people who are down and move on. Empathy is what is remembered and means the most. Try empathy.
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