Knowing the pain that someone else is going through is hard. I want to tell them things get easier and life gets better. But it really doesn’t get easier and life stays hard. You never stop having firsts without them. You never stop turning your head when a car pulls up or the door opens expecting to see them. You never stop reaching for the phone to call them or type a text. I want to tell them this disbelief is a phase, but I still don’t believe it sometimes. I want to tell them that they’ll be okay but I know they won’t be for awhile. I want to tell them that it was a bad dream they’ll wake up from because I still think it is sometimes. I want to tell them they’re in a better place but I know that the best place is here. I want to protect them from the pain that’s there and yet to come. I want to take away this next part when the shock and numbness fades away. I want to hit the people that say stupid or insensitive things to them even when they don’t mean to. I want to hug them until they smile but that’s why I don’t like hugs anymore. I want to tell them to cherish this time when their smell is still in the house but sometimes that makes it worse. I want to tell them that doing that last load of laundry with their stuff is harder than you’d think. I want to tell them not to respond to all the messages because it’s so very exhausting. I want to tell them to remember to eat and drink water because that needs to be done. I want to tell them so many things but there’s already so much thrown at them right now. I want to feel their pain for them because no one deserves to feel it. I want to tell them they’re realizing how strong they are, but I also know they probably feel weak right now. I want them to know they’re so loved, but I know it’s not by who they want right now. I want to tell them holidays and birthdays get easier but I don’t think they do. I want to tell them that spending your birthday this way is the worst. Your birthday will always be plagued by this. You won’t look forward to it because you know what it also means. I want to tell them that it’s totally okay to pick a random day to celebrate your birthday because you still deserve to celebrate.
I want to tell them eventually the looks of pity stop, but sometimes that’s hard, too. It means people moved on but you know you never will. I don’t want to tell them they’ll always be the kid who this happened to. It’s not a fun role. I want to tell them that they’re now welcomed into a community no one wants to join, but is embraced by. I want to tell them how much it sucks seeing your family hurt but they’re already learning that. I want to tell them how hard it is not having a name like widow(er) to find people who get it. I want to tell them that they’ll never know when or how to tell people about this.
I want to tell them that they don’t deserve this and they don’t have to see it as part of a grand plan because maybe it’s not. Sometimes things happen that just really suck.
I want to tell them that I know their pain, but I don’t. I know my pain. I know my story. I know my experiences. I hope that’s enough to help. I would do anything to take away even a sliver of this hurt for someone.
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