I hate that I am writing my feelings on another school shooting in America. Each one I write makes me fear I am one closer to being more personally affected. Nevertheless, these tragedies bring something out in me that I need to get out somehow. Here are tonight’s jumbled & angry & sad & helpless feeling thoughts.
When I think of the first big event I remember that shook the US, I think Sandy Hook. That was my 9/11. It was a day I remember watching the news in disbelief and fear, but that fear never went away. Every time I walked in a classroom after that, I had a plan. I knew where to hide and what I’d use to shield myself. The shootings kept happening, but the fear went back in my head a little. Then Parkland happened. I was reminded that being at school could be a death sentence one day. I was reminded that plans don’t always work and drills don’t always help. When I went to college, each professor started our syllabus week by telling us the doors will be locked at the start of class for our safety and went over active shooter plans. Even still, every classroom has a “run. hide. fight.” active shooter poster by the door.
I have lived my life as a student in fear, and I’ve been reminded over and over again that it’s a very real fear. Every time I see the news of a school shooting, I feel a lot of things. I feel sad because these families and friends and communities now have to grieve deaths that never should have happened. I feel angry that this happens so damn often in America that the news doesn’t shock me anymore. I feel helpless because I know that one day it could be me that’s senselessly killed in a classroom. I feel scared because the fears I try to subside to focus on schoolwork are brought back to the surface.
I don’t think generations of Americans who aren’t in school (or haven’t been for awhile) don’t quite see it like we do. We are kids who are scared to go to school. We are kids who can’t focus fully in class because we have to be hyper aware of our surroundings at all times. We are kids who can’t go to concerts or movie theaters or festivals or even grocery stores without the fear of falling victim to a mass shooting.
The preventative measures put in place following 9/11 are still in effect today. What can you tell me has made a difference to prevent more students from being shot to death in classrooms in this so-called free country with equal access to quality education?
Do not tell me there isn’t a gun problem in America, and do not tell me there is not a mental health problem in America. If you really believe it has nothing to do with guns, and we need better mental health access in the US, maybe don’t discredit it so much or call people soft or weak for getting help.
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